i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
