ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
