He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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