I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
