im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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