Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
