Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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