I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
