i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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