I wish I could punch you in the face.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
