I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
