i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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