I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
