I'm going to jail i love you
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
