I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
