Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
