Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
