I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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