From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
