I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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