We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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