please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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