I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
