Hey man sorry I got all grabby
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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