1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
