Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
