just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
they call him Oral-B. enough said
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
