so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
