dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
