Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
