I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
