Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
