you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I feel like abortions should bother me more
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
