You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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