I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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