I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
