All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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