I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
