Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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