My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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