Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
