i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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