This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
