Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
