So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
