There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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