Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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