Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
