I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize