Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
