the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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