We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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