im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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