Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
