On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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