Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
