what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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