you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
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