Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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