I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
