she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize